Forget the plane crash, this current offense is the real Marshall tragedy.

Miami (FL) 45, Florida A&M 0

The U will put the “u” in stupid if they think they are going to do this to the Bucks.

USC 49, Hawaii 36

I have no idea why people think the Pac-10 doesn’t play defense.

Utah 27, Pittsburgh 24

At least Pitt fans have the Pirates to cheer for. Oh, never mind.

Oregon 72, New Mexico 0

The Oregon offense is picking up right where it left off last season. Except for the Rose Bowl.

Nebraska 49, Western Kentucky 10

Isn’t there a poor program out there than can give a Big 12 team a good game?

Oklahoma 31, Utah St. 24

Never mind.

Wake Forrest 53, Presbyterian 13

Doesn’t Presbyterian have enough problems, with their gay Bishop issues and all.

Tulane 27, SE Louisiana 21

Tulane finally found a worse team from Louisiana than them. They. Whatever.

Missouri 23, Illinois 13

Time to update that resume, coach Zook.

Notre Dame 23, Purdue 12

Don’t worry Purdue; you’ll always have that “first man on the moon” thing going for you.

Michigan 30, Connecticut 10

Nice start for the freshman quarterback, but smart Michigan fans are just waiting for the other untied shoe to drop.

Kentucky 23, Louisville 16

Both fan bases went home thinking their sisters are way better looking.

Auburn 52, Arkansas St. 26

Ahhhh, that brutal SEC schedule.

Duke 41, Elon 27

Pardon my French, but what the hell is an Elon?

South Florida 59, Stony Brook 14

Why is S. Florida playing a nursery?

Northwestern 23, Vanderbilt 21

Can you imagine how tired both fans were, jingling their keys all night long?

The “Nice While it Lasted” Game of the Week

Fresno St. 28, Cincinnati 14

Jon Alder may have had the pioneering spirit, but Marysville chose to stay in New York and dwell in the slums.

DeSales 41, Maumee 0

Maumee apparently has the team speed of a mummy.

Solon 42, Worthington Kilbourne 13

This Solon certainly gave Kilbourne the full treatment.

Ada 70, Spencerville 20

While it looks like Ada has an impressive offense, they actually scored 35 safeties.

Avon 42, Wellington 0

Wellington might change it’s name to Welt-again.

Pymatuning Valley 22, Cardinal 7

Since when did Cardinal start playing teams from North Korea?

Crestview 41, Lisbon Beaver 7

(use best Peter Griffin voice) hahahahaha-I just wrote “beaver!”

Ironton 29, Russel KY 13

I bet that was a long coal barge ride home for the Russel team.

Norton 32, Akron Kenmore 35

Next week Norton takes on Akron Frigidaire.

Wiloughby S. 57,  Mayfield 14

Mayhaps Mayfield should work on some D.

The “Cleveland Steamer” Game of the Week

Reynoldsburg 61, Toledo Scott 0

…it’s official. The Game is dead.

Oh, it will still be played every year, and thanks to the eight gazillion emails and phone calls from angry sports fans, it will still be played the final week of the regular  Big Ten season, but The Game will never be the same.

Due to a lot of thinking by people who get paid a lot to think, and in response to the massive wads of cash waived in said people’s faces, the Big Ten added a 12th member (Nebraska), split the conference into two divisions and added a shiny new title game. Tradition be damned, there is a lot of money to be made!

So now the Big Ten commish, a certain Jim Delany, and the conference presidents have placed Ohio State and Michigan in separate divisions. Why? I have no idea, other than their collective minds are still locked into the year 2006.

You remember the year 2006, don’t you? It was the magical year of rivalry destiny, the year which saw both Ohio State and Michigan remain undefeated going into The Game, with one team ranked a unanimous number one and the other team left with ugly yellow stripes on their helmets. The game was a heavyweight bout, with not only the Big Ten title on the line but a trip to the national title game as well.

The Bucks leapt to a commanding lead but Michigan slowly closed the gap. Finally, at the very end, Troy Smith lead the Bucks down the field with the go-ahead score thrown to Roy Hall. Time over, game over, and Ohio State went on to get creamed by Florida in the title game. Ahem.

But remember the talk? Remember how a lot of people thought there should be a rematch in Arizona? THAT  is what Delany and his blue-blood ilk remember. They recall the 28.1 million viewers that watched the ’06 Game, they can still taste the thrill of being commanders of that great spectacle, and all the while not knowing or caring that The Game was so much more than television revenue.

They want to recreate that majesty as often as possible. If lots of people tune into the regular season version, then think how many will watch a rematch for the actual Big Ten title!

And there, as the Bard once noted, is the rub. The Game has lost all meaning because what really matters is what is decided in Indianapolis the very next week. What was once a bloody bare-knuckles brawl has been reduced to a scratching match.

Let’s assume that both OSU and that other team are going into the contest (formally know as The Game) with the foreknowledge that both teams have locked up their respective divisions and will meet each other in the title game. Why are they still playing this now meaningless game? What is their motivation? Okay, team A lost this week, but if they win the next one, than team A will still head for Pasadena. Or New Orleans or whatever BCS bowl game.

The football Big Ten has just become like their basketball brethren, in that the post season play counts as much, if not more, than the regularseason. Oh, it won’t happen next year, or even for a while, but as the seasons progress and The Game slowly starts to lose it’s importance, then players from both sides will begin to see it as “a” game instead of “The” game. That urgency, that knowledge that if you have only one year left, this is your last go and you better make it count.

It is like Delany and co. are the Admiral Ackbar at the Battle of Endor, and at the first sign of defeat, wish to pull back and try it again some other time. I am like Lando, who understands that there will be only one shot at this. (Star Wars reference-deal with it.) Lost this time? We’ll get ‘em in 7-10 days!

Maybe the new tradition can be to pass out Bronze Pants for the first game and Gold Pants for the second one.

Yippee.

10. “Gosh, Clem! They do have them fancy indoor outhouses here!”

9. “Why is the sheep barn co-ed?”

8. “I’m not sure, but I think my geology professor was in Deliverance.”

7. “I love Pepsi and milk!” (sorry; that was a quote from Penny Marshall)

6. “And I hear talk of girls from other states that have purt near all their teeth.”

5. (laughing) “Thundering Herd! ‘coursen I done heard thunder! I ain’t deaf!”

4. “Egads! There can’t possibly be a decent Aston Martin mechanic for kilometers.”

3. “What’s a ‘freshman moonshine ice breaker’?”

2. “Ummmmm, quick!; pass me a popper.”

1. (from 20,000 feet above campus) “Ladies and gentlemen, we are beginning our initial descent into somewhere important.”

The name sounds impressive, for it is a simple name, one such as Harvard, Stanford or Vanderbilt. But then you spend about 3 seconds on google and you realize that Marshall is located in West Virginia. Yes, that West Virginia. The West Virginia that Kentucky is allowed to make fun of. The West Virginia that all other 49 states can say “at least we’re not West Virginia.”

And Marshall is not in a big, fancy West Virginian town like Parkersburg or Charleston. No, Marshall is located in tiny Huntington, WV. Huntington has a population of 28,000, not counting coon dogs, and is most known for, well, Marshall.

Marshall has a proud football tradition, as measured by West Virginian standards. Most of their players are from WV, which makes it easy for jersey manufacturers, since their team has only three last names. (It does present a bit of a problem with paternity testing, however, since the DNA is so similar.) Bobby Bowden used to coach at West Virginia, and that makes Marshall look better. I guess.

Look people, I’ve got nothing here. I could go on and on with my hillbilly stereotypes, but that just cheapens the process. Marshall just isn’t very exciting. I mean, take away the plane crash and there would never, ever be a movie made about this program. Ever.

Sure Marshall gave Ohio State a good game in ’04. Sure it took a last second 55 yard field goal from the Nuge to win the game. But remember, Northwestern actually beat OSU that year, so how good were the Buckeyes?

(Oops. They were good enough for this.)

This is Marshall. It is a football game involving the Buckeyes, so I will watch it. To paraphrase their own little chant, they are Marshall, and they are going to lose.

Ohio State 34, Marshall 6

Marysville 31, Marion Harding 13

The only President easier to beat than Marion Harding is Obama.

Avon 21, Avon Lake 3

This rivalry is known as the Lipstick Bowl.

Canton GlenOak 42, Woodson D.C. 2

It seems that Congress is not the only inept entity inside the Beltway.

Freemont Ross 17, Toledo Start 0

Still waiting for Toledo to, well, start.

Napoleon 18, Defiance 7

Napoleon tolerates no defiance.

Troy Christian 35, Cincinnati Christian 7

Guess we know who God listens to.

Steubenville 36, Inkster, MI 0

What are the odds? A football team from Ohio creaming a football team from Michigan.

Columbus West 54, Columbus East 24

Even though these teams are named East and West, only 12 miles and 63 drive-bys separate the two schools.

Youngstown Mooney 31, Pickerington North 14

Imagine how good Mooney would be if they recruited.

The “Donkey Punch” Game of the Week

Watkins Memorial 54, Linden 0

I am angry because I feel like my childhood has just been sold.

I feel like Martin Blank when he comes back to Grosse Pointe after 10 years of being a government spook/private hit man, only to find his childhood home was sold and demolished and replaced by a convenience store. To top it off, his best friend from high school was the guy who brokered the deal.

That is how I feel, with Ohio State playing the part of the best friend.

How dare they! How dare they just spit on my very best sports memories! How dare they dismiss the single best sports day I ever had with my dad and sell it to the highest bidder, like a cheap Happy Meal toy that some weirdo finds valuable.

And then, in a rare moment of emotional maturity, I came to understand that Ohio State owes me nothing. They produce winning teams and keep me occupied (transfixed, actually) for a few hours every Saturday in the fall (unless they are starting on Thursday), and besides providing me with the best athletes they could get and a solid game plan, they owe me nothing.

I am just a single schmuck in a countless sea of schmucks who has devoted too much time to one particular thing. I have put all of my sports eggs into one Scarlet and Gray basket, and that is no one’s fault but my own.

Besides, are my memories that of what they wore or what time they played, or are they that of endless victories and endless heroes? Honestly, does it matter if the game is on at noon or 3:30 or 8 o’clock? Does it change the final score-and that is what the game is all about-if they have a Gray stripe on the sleeve or if they wear a different helmet?

And yes, for all of my 45 years (my 45th birthday will be in early November), The Game has been played the final week of the season. Yes, it is the magnificent conclusion to yet another magnificent season, but if I still hate Michigan in March and spit my venom upon them in June, what makes me think I won’t hate them with every fiber of my sports being if The Game is played in October?

And there is the root. I have come to understand that, to Ohio State, I am just another fan, one more consumer they do their best to please but ultimately they have to do what is best for their university. All these years I allowed this sick relationship to grow in my head to the point where I thought the Bucks needed me. And they don’t, which is not a poor reflection upon Ohio State but upon myself.

So here is to The Ohio State Buckeyes! May you do your very best, may you beat the team up north every year, and may I never miss a game regardless of date, time or attire of the team.

Mr. Dean and his ex-wife Lynda built the hotel home in 1992 at a cost of 25 million dollars and the couple expected to raise their family there. Alas, the Deans soon divorced after the home was completed, and the empty Wal Mart house remained unsold for 17 years. Michael Jackson was going to buy it as a wedding gift for Lisa Marie Presley, but backed out when he discovered the children’s rooms had security cameras.

What, too soon?

Anyway, the house just sold for a paltry 7.6 million to Tyler Perry, who plans on demolishing the home and building an eco-friendly cement home. (I wasn’t sure if Mr. Perry was joking, but after watching one of his movies, I discovered he has no sense of humor.)

If the airport terminal home had sold for it’s original asking price, it would have been enough to fund this LA school for nearly a week!

At a mere cost of $578 million, this school is quite the model of Californian restraint.

The Game has been played as the final game of the season for both Michigan and Ohio State for the last 75 years. That my friends is what’s known as tradition, an antiquated word to be sure, and one that has lost all meaning in the modern world. I am 44, so that tradition is all that I know.

I don’t know a world in which I have to see when The Game will be played that season. Is it in October this year? The first game of the Big Ten? Will there still be leaves on the trees or might there be early snow on the ground? Will there even be students on campus to plunge into Mirror Lake?

Nothing is sacred in armature sports. I like to think it is a current situation, but in 1961, Ohio State was undefeated and ranked number 1, and the school leaders felt that this fairly new Woody Hayes was just too darn successful. He had already won national titles in both ’54 and ’57 and now he was going for his third. They voted to not send the Buckeyes to Pasadena that year and OSU was robbed of a unanimous national title.

“We wanted to protect the integrity of college academics”, they said. “We don’t want Ohio State to just be a football school,” they told us. Buckeye fans took to the streets and practically formed a lynch mob.

Maybe the faculty was right. No, not in the sense that sports demeans academics, but in the regard that if you begin to allow anything, then everything will happen. Maybe they had the wisdom to foresee night games because they bring in more money, or relegating the actual college students to crappy seats in the end zone to make room for the big money contributors.

Maybe they saw a time when a shoe company can dictate what uniforms the Buckeyes will wear, and for which game. Maybe they envisioned an era which saw the glorious Big Ten divided into two divisions so that a lucrative title game could be played in a nice comfortable environment, located in a city that has no Big Ten college. Maybe they saw the casual disregard of Axes and Buckets and Barrels in the name of divisional “fairness” to be an acceptable cost. And maybe they didn’t like what they saw.

I’m not mad that The Game might well not played in it legendary slot. I will watch it whenever it is settled on the field. I am hurt however. I am hurt that I have no choice but to become the cynical old fart that now expects the worse from my beloved Buckeyes. I am hurt that I now must face the fact that everything is for sale at Ohio State, and that if Larry Flint gave enough money, Ohio Stadium would become Hustler Field. I am hurt that things I hold dear are no longer measured in pounds of loyalty but in ounces of gold.

So here’s to The Game! (naming rights to be included at a later date) May I enjoy it, be it Labor Day weekend or Halloween or even-dare I dream it!-still around Thanksgiving.

And may we all enjoy the new tradition of having no traditions!

Recently, a 5 year-old fan approached a 15 year-old Justin Bieber for a chance to get his autograph. As Justin rode by on his really cool bike, the little girl and her mother asked Justin to sign something. Justin, being the overworked idol, shot back that this was his day off. Because, you know, fame is like, a 9-to-5 job, you know.

(This is a picture of Justin, not the little girl. I think.)

A round of tattoos for everyone!…

Infamous bad boy Jesse James (the heart breaker, not the bank robber) has finally met his hepatitis match, and it is the equally infamous Kat Von D.

The D tweeted that she and Jesse are “more than friends”. Just because you have exchanged DNA through a tiny little needle-and I don’t mean a tattoo needle- doesn’t mean you are more than friends. Besides, friends can dance with friends to Endless Love in the dark.

Jesse is still recovering (public opinion wise) from his nasty divorce from that lovable sweetheart Sandra Bullock, while Kat is finally over with bassist Nikki Sixx. Which leads me to wonder why Kat has a thing for dudes with chick names.

Katie Holmes comes to her senses…

Katie recently divulged that she trusts her 4 year-old daughter Suri with her fashion decisions. Huh. I guess if you marry a guy involved in a cult that engages in occasional public meltdowns over issues regarding said cult, then normal becomes letting a 4 year-old pick out not only her own clothes but yours as well.

Ms. Holmes also allows Suri to plan the dinner menus, which include Mac-n-Cheese with a delightful Oreo cookie glaze, along with pan seared hot dogs and grape Kool-Aide in a fine crystal sippy cup.